Learning to lead at home and at church!

I took some time this morning rewriting a previous blog I wrote last fall. “Ministry and Family. Is there such a thing as balance.” I’ve updated it and added some more insights I believe can help the struggling youth pastor navigate the family and ministry. (Pretty sure this is going to be an ongoing conversation.)

I mean I was rockin’ and rollin’ in student ministry during my younger years! I was young, newly married, and living the “dual income, no kids” lifestyle! Students were engaged, ministry was growing, and I thought to myself… “Man, I’ve got this!”

You’ve heard the phrase “pride goes before the fall.” Well, I heard it in the dead of night—from my wife.

Sometime later, things in ministry were cruising. My wife had just given birth to our firstborn, and when we came home from the hospital, I just kept on rockin’ and rollin’. The ministry needed my enthusiasm and energy. It needed the best of me—all the time.

This went on for a month or two, until one night after a long day of ministry, I came home late. Shelley was already in bed with the lights out. I got ready for bed, crawled in, and in the dead of night I heard a simple cry: “I miss you.”

My heart sank. The Lord used that simple three-word phrase to strike a heavy blow to my pride. She was right. In my youthfulness and pride, I made ministry more important than my family.

Ministry—especially youth ministry—has a way of doing that. The rockstar mentality. The “everything revolves around me” trap. The “everything will fall apart if I’m not in it” voice that whispers to our soul. We may never say those things out loud for fear of sounding prideful, but we certainly live them more often than we want to admit.

But our families need us too. Especially when our kids are little. And here’s the tricky part: if we’re not careful, we can swing the pendulum too far in the other direction—ignoring the ministry God has called us to out of guilt or frustration.

So where’s the middle ground?

Here’s my theory: We put so much pressure on performance and not enough on relationship.

Performance says, “You’re not doing enough. Try harder. Please people.”
Relationship says, “Let’s just sit and enjoy this moment together.”

Performance is fuel for perfection and managing expectations.
Relationship is thoughtful and intentional.
Performance is toxic and never-ending.
Relationship is eternal and life-giving.

(You see what I’m getting at.)

Ministry is relationships. Not performance.
Family is rooted in relationship. Not performance.

When we have the right perspective, it brings clarity to our time and our energy. Yes, our family may need to learn to “let go of daddy” for a short time. And yes, the ministry may need to learn to let go of “youth pastor Steve” on some nights too. But there is a harmony to discover. A rhythm where we love our family well and lead our students well.

And I’ll say it again—this is not a 50/50 equation. Harmony isn’t always equal parts. It’s more like a song. Some notes hold longer than others, but they work together to create something beautiful.

Let’s Talk About the “You Should Be There” Trap

There’s another false narrative that creeps into our minds as youth pastors—it’s the one no one says out loud, but we hear it loud and clear: “You should be there.”

A student has a big game. A school concert. A play. A graduation party. A baptism at Grandma’s church. And in our deep sense of pastoral duty—and maybe our pride—we convince ourselves we have to show up to every single one. That’s what good youth pastors do, right?

But here’s the truth: nobody told you that you have to be at everything. Those expectations? They’re usually perceived, not prescribed. And when you have a spouse and little ones at home, those extra hours out start to pull on the very people God’s entrusted you to lead first.

Let me be clear—go to some events! Be present where you can. Cheer your students on. Let them know you see them. But you don’t have to be everywhere. Your ministry isn’t going to crumble if you miss a soccer game. And your student isn’t going to walk away from the faith because you didn’t make it to their school play.

What they will notice is whether or not you’re whole. Whether you’re emotionally present. Whether your home life is thriving.

So go to some events. But not all. Prioritize presence over pressure.

The Marriage Tension We Don’t Talk About Enough

This tension between ministry and home doesn’t just affect your schedule—it impacts your marriage. If you’re married, the balance between church and home isn’t something you can figure out on your own and hope your spouse just goes along with it. It requires honest conversations, consistent check-ins, and humble leadership.

Youth pastor, you need to be the one who initiates those conversations. Don’t wait until your spouse is in tears or fed up. Ask the questions. Seek understanding. Talk about what your schedule looks like. Make space for your spouse to speak freely about how it feels when you’re gone four nights in a row. And then—listen. Really listen.

Communication is key. But so is effort. Your spouse doesn’t just need a conversation—they need your help at home. They need your presence, your partnership, and your willingness to step in with the kids, the meals, the bedtime routines, the dishes, all of it. Ministry starts at home. Don’t sacrifice your marriage on the altar of your calling. God never asked you to do that.

Rhythms That Help

I’ve had to learn—and still am learning—some rhythms that help keep this harmony in check. Here are a few practical things that have made a difference for me:

• Put family nights on your calendar first. If it’s not scheduled, it won’t happen.
• Share the load with volunteers. You don’t have to be the hero. Let others step up.
• Invite your family into ministry moments—and honor the times they need to stay out of them.
• Learn to say no without feeling guilty.
• Let go of the false belief that everything depends on you. It doesn’t. And that’s actually good news.

Ministry isn’t about choosing one over the other. It’s about surrender. It’s about trusting God with your family and your flock, and remembering that you’re not their Savior—He is.

So youth pastor, keep going. Keep growing. Keep pursuing harmony over hustle. Because when your heart is healthy, your home and your ministry will follow.

Genuinely, I’m here to help. I’d love to partner with you to find harmony is navigating your home life and your calling. Shoot me an email or set up a 1on1 coaching session. Comment below what you think are more helpful tips in navigating the harmony of home and ministry.